Boy, did I NOT want to read this book.
Don’t get me wrong – it is fascinating and insightful and an important read for all women. But getting myself to actually read it? Dig in and DO the work? I was a stubborn toddler spitting out corn all over my highchair again.
Emotional Currency was recommended by a friend to another friend seeking advice on this topic and, though the exchange wasn’t directed towards me, I thought, you know what? It’s time for me to try to work out this knot in my life, too.
I’ve always thought of myself as being good with money. I save diligently. I spend minimally. I shop around, “clip” coupons, wait for deals, etc… so that I know I’m getting the best bang for my buck and am buying things that align with my values as much as possible. That said, I’ve never really been afraid of poverty because I can make a little go such a very long way. That, and I’m quite hirable – I can always find work in a pinch. But despite all these frugal behaviors, I never seem to have much money.
Now that I’m nearly 30, highly educated, have worldly, life, and professional experience – why is it that I’m always just scraping by? I was hoping that Emotional Currency would help me evaluate my emotional relationship to money so I could see if and/or where I might be blocking myself from achieving the financial abundance I always thought I’d have by this point in my life.
I bought the book on Amazon, which caused it to arrive at my home where I would then have to look at it on my nightstand until finally making myself read it. While I had very much put this book in my own way, I was still thinking of it like a dentist appointment: I know it’ll be good for me. I know I’ll feel better when it’s done. But I’m pretty sure it’s gonna hurt while it’s happening and so… I don’t wanna!
Just shy of kicking and screaming, I finally opened the book. What I found inside was not the emotional root canal I expected. Rather, it was Kate’s loving hand reaching out to hold mine. The whole way through, I felt heard and understood and I never felt like I was on my own; adrift to deal with the things that were coming up, solo. She had a plan the whole time, which, maybe, I should have expected.
Kate recommends that you keep your own “money journal” nearby while you’re reading, so you can write down ideas and stories as they come up. Giving these things a landing-place was incredibly helpful. My money journal is now 17 pages of hand-written feelings, stories, judgments, moments of clarity, lists, secrets, fears, affirmations, choices and more. I unearthed feelings and stories I’ve been telling myself for my entire life that I was never consciously aware of.
WARNING: Money is the “fight club” of the culture in which I was raised. ie: The first rule about money is that you don’t talk about money. The second rule about money? You. don’t. talk. about. money. Kate addresses this head-on in Emotional Currency and asserts that the only way we can grow and heal our emotional wounds surrounding money is, in fact, by talking about them. So, I’m going to break all the rules now, despite the fact that it might make some people who read this uncomfortable. Consider yourself warned.
Here are some excerpts of my money-story that Emotional Currency helped me to see:
- I have internalized a story that having money makes people unhappy, weak, uninteresting, and superficial. Meanwhile, not having money makes us clever, resourceful, creative, and allows us to appreciate the true beauty of life. These beliefs surface as subconscious judgments of others: I tend to empathize with the homeless while being judgmental of people driving expensive sports cars and wearing designer clothes.
- I use money as a way to need others and that this behavior is motivated by fear of isolation and loneliness.
- I associate earning a high income with true adulthood and responsibility, in the traditional sense. Wrapped up in that is committing to a career, choosing a pre-determined path in life, and anchoring myself to something “responsible”. My ideals and vision for my life doesn’t align with these concepts, as such, so I’ve been keeping my income low in order to keep myself from having to “grow up” in this way.
- There is a metric ton of shame connected to my feelings of not ever having enough which results in behaviors where I underplay the reality of my financial situation so that I don’t make others worry or feel uncomfortable; so I don’t pass on the shame.
Now, because I’m able to see these stories, I’m also able to unravel them. I know that having money won’t actually turn me into someone I don’t want to be. Rather, it will allow me the freedom to be my best self and do the most good for others in this lifetime. I know that having money will not isolate me, it will actually bring me closer to people I care about. Likewise, I can develop healthier ways of needing my loved ones. I know that the image of adulthood and “growing up” that I’ve connected with making money is nothing more than social programming and that I am actually free to build a life that both feeds my soul and brings financial abundance. Shame is the hardest story of all to unwrite. But publishing this post – braving the vulnerability of what feels like sharing too much of myself – is definitely one step forward in throwing off that shame.
I wish I could say that I now feel immensely better – like a liberated woman once held captive by invisible chains. But the truth is, I don’t.
Emotional healing work happens in multiple stages: first, you have to dig up and recognize the painful truths – find and poke at the wounds, if you will. Then, you have to really, truly, feel them; understand and speak to the pain and allow it to release its grip on you. Finally, somewhere between that and feeling like a joyful, loving being again, you heal. It’s a process. We never know how long it will take and it cannot be rushed.
Reading Emotional Currency allowed me to complete step one and a little bit of step two, but where I am now is that no-man’s-land between total-wreck and evolved, super-being. It feels like somewhere between having just had a kidney removed and completing a marathon. It’s more positive than painful, but it’s definitely uncomfortable.
My old emotional reactions and behaviors around money still pop up constantly. The difference is that, now, I see them for all that they are. I’m able to catch them naked in Math class without their homework and disarm them by seeing them fully.
In time, I will heal and release these limitations. I will create abundance in my life – financially and otherwise. So, I want to thank Laurie for the recommendation, myself for putting this book in my own hands, and most of all, Kate Levinson, for kicking my emotional butt and getting me started on the path to healing.
Books & References
Emotional Currency by Kate Levinson, PhD (2011)
Fight Club – A 1999 American film directed by David Fincher. Also, a 1996 novel by Chuck Palahniuk.
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